KILL BILL VOL. 1

Starring: Uma Thurman, David Carradine, Lucy Liu, Michael Madsen, Sonny Chiba

Features: Well, I'm not real sure, because it was STREAMING WINDOWS CRAP. There was definitely a mega-mellow Uma voiceover, which at least is better than the standard "IN A WORLD" guy. Beyond that, I saw a lot of swords and women whaling on each other. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Is it worth downloading? Well, if you're a Tarantino fan, you probably don't care what I think. What I think is that Tarantino's overrated, and I'm interested in this movie on the level of, "All right. Prove the hype to me. Prove it to me."

(Okay, "Go home to your mother!" was pretty funny.)

GOTHIKA

Starring: Halle Berry, Penelope Cruz, Robert Downey Jr. Dir. Matthieu Kassovitz (The Crimson Rivers, the cute guy in Amelie)

Features: Cruz making a very good point ("How can you trust someone who thinks that you're crazy?"). Berry as a psychiatrist in a really freaky car accident with a really freaky naked chick. Downey Jr. being very happy to be on this side of the bars. Aaaaaand the thematic repetition of the Cruz line. And then we have this exchange:

Cruz: "Are you scared?"
Berry: "No."
Say it with me all together now: "Well, you should be."

Is it worth downloading? Suspense cliches aside, I really liked the visual look of the film--particularly a snowy shot with an axe.

IN THE CUT

Starring: Meg Ryan, Mark Ruffalo, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Kevin Bacon, Nick Damici, Sharrieff Pugh

Featuring: A brown-haired Meg Ryan who sounds weirdly like Nicole Kidman (to me, anyway); Porn Mustache Mark Ruffalo, With Creepy Stalking Action; a Windows Media file too blurry to see if anything scandalous was going on ("Rated R for strong sexuality..."). Oh, and unless the trailer was a clever attempt to misdirect the viewer--thanks for giving away the whole plot ("It was you!"), asshats.

Is it worth downloading? This crappy, streaming version? No. If you want to see the movie and don't want to be spoiled? Never.

SYLVIA

Starring: Gwyneth Paltrow, Daniel Craig (and I think I spotted Blythe Danner as Plath's mother, but I'm not sure)

Features: Ah, no longer "Ted and Sylvia," I see. Anyway, this is the tale of Sylvia Plath, who deserves better than a "Beautiful Mind"-style weeper retread.

Is it worth downloading? It's not as awful as I was expecting it to be. That is not saying much.