THE RUNDOWN

Aka "Helldorado."

Stars: The Rock, Seann William Scott, Christopher Walken, Rosario Dawson

Features: You know you're in trouble when the narrator actually intones, "He's come to the other side of the world... to finish one last job." Oh, God, not another one of those! And then The Rock and Seann Williamm Scott start fighting in a bar, which, you know, I believe for one second that The Rock didn't just sit on the kid and be done with it, whatever, and then Christopher Walken (who, as FT poster Skyblade notes, "will do a movie under the strident condition that you ask him. He doesn't enact anything resembling standards") strides in, and--I don't have the heart to go on.

Is it worth downloading? My God, that is the lamest title ever.

TIMELINE

Stars: Paul Walker, Frances O'Connor, Gerard Butler, Billy Connolly, Ethan Embry

Features: I'm not sure why the characters persist in saying that this or that character has "faxed himself" back to the 14th century--look, this is a movie about a time machine. Deal with it. Once you get past that, however, you get this premise: Billy Connolly is stuck back there. His young assistants have to go get him. Only the machine explodes after they leave. And they're stuck in the 14th century, you know, not the "Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court" 14th century but the grim, deadly, "I will run you through and hang your body from a bridge" 14th century, being chased by knights and shit, and back in the present people are trying to get them back, and meanwhile there's, like, this castle siege with fire and flaming arrows and it's an awesome shot.

Is it worth downloading? Holy shit, this looks good.

MASTER AND COMMANDER: THE FAR SIDE OF THE WORLD

Stars: Russell Crowe, Paul Bettany. Dir. Peter Weir.

Features: "The hunter becomes the hunted!" I don't know. Something about another, bigger ship has just popped up at their exact location and fired on Crowe's ship (as Bettany says, basically, that's a hell of a coincidence), and so now they've got to turn around and kick ass. Also, a lot of Russell Crowe, who should never tie his hair back, ever. Just--ew. Go floppy, my man. Also, there are a lot of young boys on board Crowe's ship, which I can't quite figure out--that's a hell of a Big Brother program they's got going there.

Is it worth downloading? You know, I can't decide if I like this one or not. It seems to teeter between self-parody and stirring adventure for me--maybe it's Crowe's line readings, I don't know. Also? I know you're going to ask, so I'll cut to it--if you've heard Billy Boyd was in this one, don't get excited and think he's in this trailer. Hobbit overboard?

PAYCHECK

Stars: Ben Affleck, Uma Aaron Eckhart, Uma Thurman, dir. John Woo

Features: Well, you know, I'm not real sure what it features, because the Yahoo trailer was SMALL and CRAPPY. Anyway. B. Aff is... a reverse engineer? Something to do with optics? But his memory has been wiped, as a matter of course, and then... something bad happens? I'm not sure? All I know is, Affleck's being interrogated and the guy's like, "You have to tell us what happened!" and he's all like, "I can't!"

Is it worth downloading? I'd wait for a decent Quicktime version, unless you're just dying to see this one. The part that sold me on the premise? The package the Affleck character sends himself as a clue. It had a nice Minority Report vibe about it.

INTOLERABLE CRUELTY

Stars: George Clooney, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Billy Bob Thornton

Features: Clooney as a mack-daddy divorce lawyer (is it just me, or does Clooney look ten years younger here for some reason? Or is it just a low-quality file?) who falls for his client's soon-to-be-ex-wife (CZJ). STBEW seems to be having none of it, however. Oh, and general Coens wackiness (yay!).

Is it worth downloading? "Objection, your Honor! Strangling the witness!" "I'm going to allow it."

THIRTEEN

Stars: Holly Hunter, Evan Rachel Wood, Nikki Reed (also cowriter)

Features: Lots of reviewer/festival accolades. Hunter as the mother of a wayward Wood who falls in with Reed, an older, badder girl.

Is it worth downloading? Well, I definitely want to see the movie now.

OPEN RANGE

Stars: Robert Duvall, Kevin Costner, Annette Bening

Features: So... wait... "free grazers"? So they want to graze on land they don't own, but they're protecting property rights, and... what? Oh, and you get this gem of an exchange:
Duvall: "How long we been ridin' together, Charlie?"
Costner: "Nigh on ten years."
Duvall: "You know what they call that, they call it a decade."
Thank you, Captain Obvious.

Is it worth downloading? "They may not know this, but there's things that gnaw at a man worse'n dyin'." Yeah, like the last Costner movie I saw. Man, does he just never learn, or what?

THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE

Stars: Jessica Biel, A Couple of Hot Guys, That Chick from Blair Witch 2 (No, The Hot Redhead Chick). R. Lee Ermey. Producer Michael Bay, dir. Marcus Nispel

Features: A bunch of carefree teenagers in a van: Texas, 1973. A freaky hitchhiker in distress ("He's a bad man..."). A freakier house. A wonderful patch of dark silence... and then BZZZZ come the chainsaws.

Is it worth downloading? This trailer is so much better than it has any right to be. Good job.

THE MEDALLION

Stars: Jackie Chan, Claire Forlani, Lee Evans, A Mystical Child of Power

Features: A British (I think; at times I started thinking "Australian accent?") baddie of the broadest sort--the kind you usually find in children's movies; 2.3 seconds of Claire Forlani; Chan as "an unlikely hero" (dude, apparently no one in this movie has ever seen a Jackie Chan movie before). Oh, and I think Chan dropped trou at some point in a fight sequence. Yay.

Is it worth downloading? The trailer went from some "I Wanna Be a Superhero" song to a "Gothic Power" rip-off in a fingersnap, which is sort of a metaphor for the overall sketchiness of the enterprise, I think.

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN CLIPS

"Crossing Blades": The beginning of the sword fight at the blacksmith's, wherein Captain Sparrow, who clearly has not seen any of the LOTR movies, underestimates Orlando Bloom's skill with a sword.

"Pirate": Mostly action--more sword fight at the blacksmith's, a good one-liner at the end.

"Good Boy": Very short, and mostly interesting if you want reassurance that the dog from the ride will be in the movie.

"Welcome Aboard": And finally Keira Knightley and Geoffrey Rush get a clip. My main impression from this one is that Geoffrey Rush does a damn fine pirate and is getting a bit unfairly overshadowed by Johnny Depp's character (hilarious though he may be); the way he says "guidelines" made me laugh out loud.

"Ghost Story": You've seen a bit of this in the trailer ("You're in one!"), and I was kind of "meh" about this as the clip started, but Geoffrey Rush does a good job with his little monologue. Nice effects, too, although the laugh at the end came out sort of random.

"Able-Bodied Crew": My favorite out of the group, and one of the longest. And you know what? Lord love Johnny Depp (watch his reaction to the tongue bit). Also: Another appearance of the "I deserved that" running joke, and proof that Bloom is getting his money's worth from the Depp School of Making Faces.


(Thanks, SerendipityHQ.)

LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN CLIPS

APPLE: TV Spot. When someone described it to me, I thought it was a joke, so bear in mind that I'm being completely serious here: "An invisible man! Dracula's Bride! Captain Nemo! Dorian Gray! Dr. Jekyll! Sean Connery must unite them all!" Seriously, are we just entirely giving up on the idea that Sean Connery actually plays characters who are not himself anymore? Not only is that ridiculous, but it also sounds way too much like Teen Girl Squad: "Cheerleader! So and So! Sean Connery! The Ugly One!"

SUPERHERO HYPE: This one damn near took me three hours to download--on DSL, no less, so I'm guessing the SHH server was overloaded. The clip? Dorian Gray and Mina Harker fight it out for old times' sake, handily revealing to the viewer that 1) they're both immortal and self-healing, 2) they used to be lovers and 3) they despise each other now. Kinda ham-handed. However, I may go see this just for the Mina character, who starts the clip off with a mansome "Hello, lovah."

PETER PAN

Stars: Jason Isaacs, Olivia Williams, Jeremy Sumpter, Rachel Hurd-Wood, Ludivine Sagnier

Features: The first cinematic Peter Pan played by an actual young boy. A saucer-eyed, pouty-lipped Wendy who is slowly growing on me. Jason Isaacs as a sexy, sexy Captain Hook. And if you look closely, you'll see Tinkerbell, Peter's shadow, and some mermaids.

Is it worth downloading: Hell yes. Still small, but so much more awesome than the murky, streaming Yahoo version.

Name that tune: The gorgeous music at the beginning is from Coldplay's "Clocks." (Thanks, Rogue Pimp.)

MONA LISA SMILE

Stars: Julia Roberts, Kirsten Dunst, Julia Stiles, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Topher Grace

Features: Julia Roberts flopping around toothily as a "charming" and "bohemian" teacher at Wellesley who also apparently has a cutesy romantic-comedy subplot. Kirsten Dunst as the class snot (her scenes with Roberts actually have a real alpha-bitch-showdown pop to them). Julia Stiles with an awful put-on china teacup high society accent. Maggie Gyllenhaal adoringly trying to copy mentor Roberts (meanwhile, I am adoringly trying to copy Maggie Gyllenhaal). Much twinkly This Teacher Is Going to Change Your Life music.

Is it worth downloading? Oh God, it's like a formula Julia Roberts rom-com exploded all over Dead Poets Society. Somebody call for help!

For those of you keeping score: The "Red Om" title card at the beginning? That's Roberts' production company--it's her husband's last name (Moder) spelled backwards.