Trailer Park
Want to know if that trailer is worth your download time? Find out.


Thursday, August 26, 2004  

CLOSER

Called after a fave Joy Division album, scored with a neat Suzanne Vega song.

Falling under a truck, Natalie Portman ends up as a huge photo, and a stripper.

Carrying a bouquet, Jude Law ends up carrying a bouquet.

Smiling like a she-goat, Julia Roberts ends up reminding us she's won an Oscar.

Speaking like a goat-herder, Clive Owen ogles the real Amidala for a change.

Actually, though? This seems to be as intriguing as Garden State. Natalie is back, after long years of Lucas-induced slavery; and Mike Nichols is back, in what seems to be the film designated for the Character Drama Best Picture nom alongside shoo-ins like Alexander and the already-insufferable Aviator.

And yes, I'm back. For a few days only; then I'm off to Venice, where this won't be screening, because gods are as spiteful as they are merciful.

posted by Vladimir | 3:10 PM


Saturday, June 19, 2004  

CATWOMAN

I sure hope this falls under Cleo's definition of a trailer review.

posted by Eric | 2:05 AM


Tuesday, June 08, 2004  

THE AVIATOR

Yo, Marty, two things.

First, if you want to make your own Great American Biopic, you nerd you, go film the story of William Randolph Hearst himself; for all the ejaculate swapping dedicated to Citizen Kane over the past 60-odd years, noone has done it, and you have shown recently that you're nothing if not dedicated to plagiarizing being inspired by the classics.

Second, if you must have a biopic of Howard Hughes at all cost, you could do better than to cast it with bankable people who look nothing like their truly famous characters, do much better than to cut the first trailer to it in a manner aimed at the lowest possible denominator, and do much, much better than to decide to promote it via some godforsaken AOL customer service, encoded so badly that however dodgy it might otherwise seem to be, it comes out being truly unwatchable.

(Awwww. Don't cry. You'll get your Oscar... eventually. Safe in the knowledge that Michael Moore got it before you did.)

posted by Vladimir | 4:32 AM


Wednesday, June 02, 2004  

THE POLAR EXPRESS

I hate this trailer.

It's not as godforsaken as The Grinch, I give you that. But I'm a big Van Allsburg fan, and I cherished this book as a kid, and--the tone of the movie is just completely, completely off. It ought to be something hushed and magical and almost spooky. You know the main Harry Potter theme? That's what I hear in my head when I imagine it. It should not full of dancing waiters and gospel choirs. In fact, I think this should have been a half-hour TV special at most, because there's not enough story to sustain a feature-length film, and the shit they're making up is just vague action filler.

The worst part is, even if you don't know the book from Adam's housecat (even though it's a Christmas staple--the gift set usually has its own little bell included), the trailer still gives away the end of the movie. What's the point?

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 8:52 AM


Friday, May 28, 2004  

CELLULAR

So. Jason Statham kidnaps Kim Basinger, who insists he's got the wrong person. She hotwires a broken phone back together and manages to call... some guy who is currently trying to email a video of some girl's boobs to himself on his cell phone. We are officially in possession of too much technology, people. It is a pretty interesting trailer, though, as this guy (Chris Evans--hmm, tell me more) finds himself commandeering cars, holding up Radio Shack for a phone charger, and dodging death in highway chases for this woman he doesn't even know.

Greg of Yahoo Movies' "Greg's Previews" adds, "Larry Cohen apparently came up with so many great ideas from the same concept that he spun it out into two extremely similar scripts... and both are in development at major studios. Wow. First, you have the one-location Phone Booth, and then after it, there'll be this film... except now the phone is cellular, so the hero can, you know, walk around and stuff. Maybe Cohen will make it a trilogy, and have the next one be about someone who receives an e-mail message."

Vladimir: ...on his PDA.

Cleolinda: Exactly what I was thinking. Call it "Blackberry."

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 8:02 AM


Wednesday, May 26, 2004  

ALEXANDER

(Cleo allows me a second opinion, bless her heart, and it's always advisable that you get two reviews of a single trailer. Especially when we couldn't have been bothered to review the dozens of others that came out recently...)

Rejoice! Finally we get a historical epic in 2004 that seems to be worth waiting for. I never had much hope for Troy, and the setting of King Arthur did intrigue me for a while before the latest trailers suggested they spent all their IQ on just the setting... Now, judging by this sparse and yet eminently well-rounded teaser, Oliver Stone (of all people) will make amends for the lacklustre appeal of the previous two. So, Warner, kudos for keeping it short and memorable, kudos for hinting at a certain depth of concept - because, seriously, if you are telling the story of the Macedonian, you need to account for a lot of things that are well nigh miraculous - and, well, kudos for giving us a glimpse of Rosario Dawson. (No, seriously. Between her and Jolie, there will be no need for Photoshop enhancements of feminine attributes on the final release posters. Hallelujah.)

It's all good. Not downloadable yet - that is, if you're not Gunther - but it's a provocative glimpse into a movie that is obviously going to be a major contender.

posted by Vladimir | 5:45 AM


Tuesday, May 25, 2004  

ALEXANDER

Well, if you're going to have Standard Boring Narration, you may as well have Anthony Hopkins do it (I picture Announcer Guy sulking in the corner of the studio). Mostly it's a lot of armor and horses and blond. Kinda reminds me of Troy, just with a lot more horses. And the "Conquer your fear! And I promise you! You will conquer death!" is a lot like Brad Pitt's "Immortality! Take it! It's yours!" line--mostly in how silly it sounds out loud. The really interesting tactic the trailer uses is not to show any of the other big-name stars (Angelina Jolie, Val Kilmer, Jared Leto, Hopkins), just Colin Farrell and his weird, weird blond hair. It's okay for a teaser, but... I wouldn't advise you to run out and download this thing toute suite.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 6:47 PM
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